It seems odd to write a blog with information that negates my previous blog. After almost a month of pain in my leg, assuming it was shin splints or a calf strain, it finally got to the point where I could no longer point to where the pain was. The pain became my lower leg. I tried myofascial release, Biofreeze, wrapping, taping, icing, elevating, compressing, ibuprofen, everything I knew to do, and the pain refused to go away. It got to the point where I was waking up in the middle of the night with my leg pulsing in pain.
On Wednesday I finally went to Tria Orthopedic Specialists to review my symptoms with a doctor. We talked about my pain, and how it had been there since March 5th. We discussed Boston and my excitement. I shared that I needed confirmation that I was not going to further injure myself by running the marathon. I realize it will hurt, and I'll be slower than I wanted, but I needed the peace of mind from a doctor to know that I wouldn't create long term damage. His thoughts went like this: "Do I think you should run Boston? Probably not. Would I run Boston if I were in your shoes? Absoulutely, without a doubt." He understood me, and I appreciated that. He understood the importance of Boston, and my dream. He decided we should do an MRI to inspect the pain. On Thursday I got the call from him. Even before his call, I burst into tears listening to his voicemail on my work phone, as he said, "Please call me, we need to have a conversation about your results." I called him to find out that I had a severe stress fracture spanning over half way across my tibia bone. And running over the past few weeks, while in pain, had only increased the trauma.
I struggled to swallow as he told me I was to stop running immediately. My eyes filled to their rims with tears as he told me Boston was out of the picture, and even walking much was out of the picture. He suggested a hard cast, to keep me off it, thus allowing it to heal faster. I asked if the cast was necessary for healing-that's hard to get around downtown Minneapolis, it's hard to shower, and then I really can't do anything! He said the cast would keep me from doing too much, but he'd be fine with a boot if I promised to stay off it as much as possible. I sat in the skyway (during work), and just sobbed. All my hardwork, since November, wasn't going to be put into execution. The 4:15 mornings, the hill workouts, the long runs on the weekends in the freezing cold weather, all the snow, the races to test fitness, all to put me in shape for nothing.
On Friday, I waited for an April Fool's Day call from my doctor, it never came. It's now Sunday, and I still wake up thinking, "maybe I'll wear this boot for two weeks, and not run (just swim and bike), and then be able to run Boston-that's not happening either. Yesterday I had a breakdown as I was about to start vacuuming, and Jeremy offered to do it for me, I burst into tears and said, "I don't want to feel worthless, I can do something." I have my good moments though. I get really excited when Jeremy comes back from a run and he tells me how good it went! We might be able to run together soon!! That makes me smile.
Tears pool even as a type, but I have to cling to this: I know that God cares deeply for me. I know that He knows how much Boston means to me. I have to trust that He has my best in mind. I learn things through the process of training, and I know that I will learn things through the process of healing.
"Training and racing have shown me sides of myself that I never knew existed. I've found perseverance, an ability to focus, stubbornness, compulsiveness, bravery, organization, a sense of humor, and a capacity for unbridled joy." Gordon Bakoulis Bloch
I found the above quote, and it couldn't have fit me more. I have replaced "training and racing" with "rest and healing" and have made it my prayer.